It is the time you have wasted on your rose that makes it so valuable.

I've spent many long hours, many sleepless nights, many reflective days on this journal. I still remember the first entry I ever wrote. It was way back whem...hahahaha! When I was a foolish lover dreaming impossible dreams, hanging onto an unwinding rope, when I saw myself as someone who didn't deserve anything good in this world, when I didn't love myself enough.

Then slowly, I grew. I outgrew the impossible dream I was throwing everything away for and sought other impossible dreams. Some more impossible than the first, some a little closer to home. I fell in love again. I found new treasures to write about, new reflections to put up, new dreams to share...

It's kinda difficult to leave this behind. I don't even know what words to use to describe this whole thing. Andami eh. I've shared so much of myself in this journal. It'll be like leaving a part of me behind.

I won't prolong this much longer. This is just a goodbye to my this journal and a hello to the next.

Now is not the end of hellos but, the start of our goodbyes...

So, goodbye DONQUIXOTE.EASYJOURNAL.COM hello WWW.LIVEJOURNAL.COM/USERS/QUIXOTIC_EYES Ü

¤--------------------¤

Well, if this is gonna be my last entry, I should at least try to end it with a blast, right?

To really love a woman
To understand her - you gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought - see every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Coz she needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really - really really ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman
Let her hold you - til you know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her - really taste her
Til you can feel her in your blood
And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody tell her that you'll always be toghether
So tell me have you ever really - really really ever loved a woman?

Oh, You got to give her some faith - hold her tight
A little tenderness - gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, takin' good care of you
You really gotta love your woman...

If you love a woman you tell her that she's really wanted
If you love a woman tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really - really really ever loved a woman?

Just tell me have you ever really - really really ever loved a woman?
Just tell me have you ever really - really really ever loved a woman?

This one's for you hun!!! For you and your whatever...Ü

Hmmmmm, the lesson here: PRESENCE...

It's difficult to know if someone loves you if they're not there for you. And vice versa. (It's difficult to believe someone loves you if they're never there.) The gift of presents is never enough to substitute for the gift of presence.

The reason why high school relationships don't last as long as they should is not because high school students are too young to know how to love. It's because they, err...we, hardly have time to be with our partners. We are never there with them and for them, therefore; we drift apart. A simple hug can make all the difference. Are you okays and I missed you todays are as valuable as and chocolates or flowers given days before. Simple gestures of love and care are treasured and kept within the heart. The now is important. The now is where your relationship is. That's why the now is where you should dwell. Not in the past, nor the future. Sure, it's good to look back as beautiful memories. They keep a relationship magical. But, one cannot dwell in them forever. Thr future is far away. Think about it but, don't lose sight of what you have right here with you today.

Be there!!!

Let him read this. Don't tell him I wrote it though. But, please...I think you need to fix things. Make time. Be there for each other. Love each other.

¤--------------------¤

"I've been looking for you all over the place."
"What took you so long?"

This pretty much describes my retreat this past weekend. After all the contemplations, and all the meditations, and the dramatic Sharing of the Light, after the heart-warming and uplifting Palanca Night (thanks to all those who wrote! Especially you! I totally loved it. I'm so proud of you. And thanks dad. Your palanca made me cry my heart out...), after all the tears I shed for my family, for my class, for Sibol, for my friends, for Sir, and for Christ on the cross...whom I stared at for 3 minutes for my penance...after all that, I found Christ in the most conspicuous place; in a place where I could have gone to every single day, a place where I could have found Christ a long time ago but failed to so many times...the Holey Sacrifice of the Mass. After all the retreat had to offer, I was finally able to find peace...and the peace cleared up my mind and sight...and for the first time, in a long time, I was able to catch a glimpse of Christ. They say it takes a lifetime to find the Christ in one's life...but it's very easy to catch a glimpse of him. In fact, Christ could very well be in the face of everyone that loves and is loved by you.

Pagkat kung hanap ko ay Ikaw
Sa kapwa ko Kita matatanaw...

¤--------------------¤

WWW.LIVEJOURNAL.COM/USERS/QUIXOTIC_EYES

This is the end of this part of my life. The retreat has recharged me. And it's time to start anew. No, I'm not leaving my life behind. I'm not throwing away my memories. I'm just placing new ones in a different place. Ü So, to all who read this...leave naman kayo message. Last na to! Hehehehehehe. I'll probably never write here again.





5




4




3




2




1




THE END! GOODBYE!!!

*Huwag kang mangamba,
'Di ka nag-iisa.
Sasamahan kita
Saan man magpunta...
Ika'y mahalaga
Sa'king mga mata.
Minamahal kita,
Minamahal kita...

Tinawag kita sa 'yong pangalan.
Ikaw ay akin magpakailanman.
Ako ang Panginoon mo at Diyos,
Tagapagligtas mo at tagatubos. *

Sa tubig kita'y sasagipin.
Sa apoy ililigtas man din.
Ako ang Panginoon mo at Diyos,
Tagapagligtas mo at tagatubos. *

¤Last Saturday, the ACET results came out. I was nervous all morning but, couldn't go and look at the results because I had an appointment at Raissa's house. It was Carlos who told me that I had been accepted. Yup! May college na ako!!! Atenista ako, all the way!!!¤

There and friends...and friends...and friends.

Choose your friends wisely, says Mr. Pagsi. And rightfully so. Not all friends will prevent you from being hurt. In fact, some friends will betray and hurt you and take advantage of your friendship. You must choose the friends you know you can TRUST.

Trust is the foundation of any friendship. On it, we build the pillars of confidence and security. We have trust that our friends won't hurt us. That is...if the friends you have are trustworthy.

They say a friend is someone who accepts you, faults and all, and shares the gifts of life and love with you. They say friends are supposed to bring you both joy and strength. Ideally, amid friends one should never be afraid of what lurks in the shadows or creeps under the bed. In a perfect world, friends should not sow fear.

But in my experience, not all friends are such. Friends do hurt you. Friends do betray you. Friends do make you feel bad about yourself. Friends do sow fear and doubt. Maybe it's my fault for choosing the wrong friends. Maybe I am far too nice and judge people too hastily, considering them innocent until proven guilty. Because of my bad judgement, I have been beaten down with the arms of people whom I trusted my life to. Sure, friendly joking is all fine and dandy but, people these days are just too insensitive to understand what it is I truly feel. Again, it's probably my fault for not telegraphing the message clearly. But doing so might breed animosity and tension between us. At the moment, I have little faith in the goodness of my friends. I pray that I do not become a cynic. But by the looks of things, I think it's not so far off.

Sir always says that the best friend one could ever have has never my side; not for a moment. The God that sings to me; telling my not to be afraid any longer, telling me that He will be there to save me and love me not matter what I do, telling me that I can trust Him with my life and have no fear of betrayal...And I thank sir for always bringing to light the God that lives in my shadow. Ever vigilant and loyal, my God is a friend who could never un-love me.

For all my friends...Please...I may not be the best friend in the world but, as much as possible, I never even dream of hurting you. I cannot say that I have been the best friend but I do know that I have been a true friend. Hindi ko naman sasadyaing saktan kayo. Bakit pa ba kayo nananakit!? Tangina naman...I don't need to know what the hell is wrong with me anymore. I've been living with a perpetual mirror staring me in the face my whole life. I don't need other people telling me what the hell it is I need to change about myself. Especially those who say it out of spite or, the ever favorite excuse, fun. I don't mean to sound self-righteous, but if I spoke against each and every one of you, a year's worth of journal entries would not be enough. Friends accept you for who you are, not matter how broken. But it's pointless to do so if every single day, these friends tell you how broken. Look at your own mirrors first assholes!

¤--------------------¤

Coming soon...www.livejournal.com/users/quixotic_eyes

The end is near!!!

www.livejournal.com/users/quixotic_eyes

I am currently working on this. My layout to be precise. This entry may very well be my second to the last entry. Soon, I will have to leave all this behind and start anew. It's the most painful thing to leave something you have given so much of yourself to.

It is the time you have wasted on your rose that makes it so valuable.

But, I think it's time I joined the mainstream. Ü Coming soon! Hindi pa kasi tapos eh.

Thanks to Raissa for helping me with everything. Oh! And hi to Legs too!

1 entry nalang!!! ¤sniff¤

¤--------------------¤

I haven't written in so long. I've forgotten how. I just haven't been myself lately. I haven't been the same. Things happen that will affect people in the deepest most profound way. Things that we see in story books and movies. Things we think could never happen to us. Things that, for us, may be impossible. And when that thing happens, when we pass through the proverbial door of if, when the experiences we experience vicariously we experience fully, we change. We will either grow or shatter. I don't know exactly what kind of change I experienced but believe me, I feel it. I know it happened.

Chances, Choices, Changes...Mr. Pagsi's magical formula. Every dream he sells, every chance he shows us, doors of opportunity he oppens for us, and tools he arms us with are only the beginning. The Merchant of Dreams always wants something in return for what he gives. He wants us to take risks, make choices. And the choices we make, the risks we take, the doors we pass through, the things we say, the life and love we give...change us.

¤--------------------¤

Ika'y aking kaibigan
Kay raming pinagsamahan.
Ngayon ako'y kailangan
Paano kita iiwan?

Anumang tarik ng bundok
Sasama ako sa taluktok.
Kung rurok dagat ang siyang alok
Kasama mo akong aarok.

Anumang lagim ng bangin,
Anumang bangis ng hangin,
Malaglag man mga bituin,
Makaaasa ka sa'kin.

Risks are what frighten me the most. I have taken very few risks in my life. Therefore, I have experienced very little success. I even try to console myself by telling myself that I take very few risks because I have found nothing worth risking for. Quite the contrary; I have found so many things that are worth the risk...but I have always been too afraid to take them. And, in the few risks that I have taken, I have encountered a lot of failure. Not all, I agree, but most of my choices have been bad ones. Horrible ones...ones that have shattered me many times over. It happens.

I have tried many times to fly. I've always wanted to soar above all the failures. I've always wanted to leave behind all the shattered dreams and broken promises and be carried by the winds of idealism and hope. But in the few times I have tried, I have fallen from the sky. I have been in a downward spiral, clutching my broken wings and allowing my tears to be pulled from my eyes by the fall; tears that will never go away. And as I crash down onto the rocky earth below me, I am left alone to pick up my own pieces. I have experienced that fall many times before. And in all those times, I have been alone.

In Sibol, we are friends, we share life. We believe so much that we will always be there to catch each other when we begin to fall. We fly so close to each other that we think we can trust in the wings of those who fly with us. And some of us have so much faith in that brotherhood and that cura personalis alumnorum, personal care and concern for every member, that we take the biggest risks...even the risk of this friendship. So the song goes...that through everything, through howling winds and pouring rain, through blinding dark and crushing pain, we would be there for each other and catch each other and tend to each others' broken wings. It is a foolish belief...to trust someone with your hopes and dreams, to have faith that friendship will keep us from hitting thr ground. It is foolish.

But it is this kind of friendship, this kind of trust, this kind of love that gives us the courage to take new risks and make more choices. Sibol gives us the opportunity to dream and be idealistic and take risks and make choices because we know that within this family, we can trust one another to be there and catch us when we fall and fail and have nowhere else to go but down.

When the horizon of man fades, just look up. He's always been there and always will.

For sir, God has forever been there to catch his fall. God has always been there to mend his wounds and fix his broken wings. God has always been sir's kaibigan, through the best times and the worst.

For me, God has always been there. Peering in my life, pushing me forward, guiding my every step, advising me against what was wrong and showing me what was right. Many times, I didn't take his path. Many times I didn't go down the road that he wanted me to. Many times I didn't want to see what was right because I was so fascinated by what was wrong. Before I entered Sibol, I never saw God in those times when I was alone, picking up the pieces of my broken dreams and shattered hopes. But being in the Sibol family brought God into my life...in the people who have come with Sibol. Sir, my batchmeates, batch 2002-2006, the alumni...they reflected God for me. I couldn't see God without the glass of the people who have given me so much more idealism and hope and love. God was not tangible until Sibol.

And now, as things are happening, as I am taking more risks, as I am still falling in another downward spiral, as I wait for my family to catch me, as I clutch my wings and leave a trail of tears in the wind, as I begin to give up on my dreams, a part of me still smiles and thanks God for being in my life in the people I have found; I thank God for the Sibol family that will always be there to catch me.

I've always wanted to soar...and I have...on the wings of friends.